A lot of what I have done in my writings these days has been looking back and seeing how things have changed over the course of many years versus that of a few years versus where I am today. I do not have a ton of writing that was done by me from fifteen years back or further. Writing just was not something I indulged in a lot. But looking back just a few years and seeing where things were previously can be done, as I have a handful of notebooks from when I did start scribbling down thoughts from time to time.
One thing is for sure, my health was a lot better. Right around 2001, I was diagnosed as a diabetic, but I paid little attention to it. I continued living my life as I had, and slowly over time, that lack of attention has brought my health to where it is now. My ability to do some of the things that I could do five years ago is severely limited. Edema wracks every aspect of my body, including my lungs and my eyes – both of which I am being treated for. And my attention is more on how I can be more healthy going forward than anything else at the moment, with lifestyle changes I would never have contemplated before.
As an example, this morning I woke earlier than normal with the asthmatic rasp that I have come to associate with pulmonary edema. That tell-tale rattle when I exhale is the auditory indicator to what I can feel – a strong difficulty in catching my breath. That starts my exploration throughout the house to locate my inhaler. I never dreamed I would have an inhaler to help me breathe. Then again, I never dreamed that I would have so many issues with my body (and I have not and will not list all of these here). On July 2nd, I passed out at work from a diabetic episode – my blood sugars were extremely high. Now, a few months after the fact, there’s talk that I may have had a mild heart attack. Sobering stuff indeed.
But where does my health fit in with the various odds and ends that I am brought to accomplish by Crow or Coyote? Well, it really does not figure into all of that. I am still tasked with various things to accomplish, and I continue to do those to the best of my abilities because I gave my word that I would. If/When I am to be released from that oath, it will happen then. In the meantime, I do what I am able to, as I am asked.
What about my Druidry? Certainly, my illnesses and ailments have slowed down some of the work that I have to do in my Ovate grade lessons, but its not slowed my drive to finish and move on to the Druid grade work. Its work that I promised myself I would do, and work that continues to nourish myself at the level of my soul. My speed may have slowed, but my desire continues.
This morning, one of my favorite films – “The Last Samurai” – was on, and I paused everything I was trying to accomplish to watch a bit. This film is full of many quotes and concepts I try to live many aspects of my life by. The following moment appeared on the screen.
Katsumoto: You believe a man can change his destiny?
Nathan Algren: I think a man does what he can, until his destiny is revealed.
I have all these physical ailments wracking my body. I slowly watch my health being destroyed, unsure of how I can abate the gathering tide of issues. Currently, my career is at a full-stop. I have the chance to look at other options, find yet another way to reinvent my life from a professional perspective. And yet, I still wonder what my final destiny will be. is my destiny to be a warning sign for others in their lives? Don’t do what Tommy did or you’ll wind up like this. Or are all of these issues something that I can bring together to show others what can be done when you really want to work magick in your life – what you can do when you decide to bend your Will to help shape your Fate?
At the moment, I am not completely sure. I peek at the stats of the blog from time to time – I know there are not that many people that read this site. But that is really not important. Its not the people of today that matter – its whoever stumbles across this in the future that will matter. Those who will be alone on their Path of Druidry, Paganism or Polytheism, trying to blaze their own destinies through the wilderness of Life. Those are the people that I have the hopes of reaching and inspiring – not to follow in my own footsteps, but to realize that they can do it by themselves. That if I can do it – just about anyone can. There are places in the wider Pagan community for Priests, Arch-Druids, Chaplains, and many other types of leaders – just as there are places of prominence for those that go it alone. There’s just not nearly as many spotlights available out in the wilderness…