For a little over a week now, I have been trying to forget and/or forgive myself. I’ve spent such a long time trying to lay blame at someone else’s doorstep. Nimue Brown seemed to be the most logical choice. So I started there. Her pattern seemed to fit what I was trying to do. Laying blame at a common point and feathering around that step. What I wound up with was a direction that left me open and seemingly blameless in the direction that I was going. Just wound up even further down a step that I was going towards. I promise you, I found myself even further down a step towards animosity that I just couldn’t go towards. A step towards something…I just can’t describe as anything but a direction of hate. A step of anger and misdirection that I never could have shaped before. Nimue, I apologize for anything I’ve said and meant in that direction. I don’t know what I’ve said or meant to cause such thinking in the past. It was pure and utter bullshit.
My main characters of that I’ve let myself be led down were Cat Treadwell and JS White. Both were good lights to follow, but I’ve always been led down that road more by myself than by others. So many themes drove themselves by a light that I saw ahead of myself. A light that I attributed to them, and rarely led my own way. I am ashamed of what I’ve done. How I’ve managed to put things together. That’s so many of the things that I’ve managed to do. I have to apologize for that as well.
No, I am not apologizing for my perspective. I am Pagan, through and through. But occasionally, I’ve watched myself step out on a hole where Paganism does not lead me. I’ve usually found myself on a skint (No other word to say here ) to something unkind and untrue, for which there isn’t a bit of strength to be found. To place my focus where it should never be. For that, I’ve been especially unkind and bothered.
I m not going to place myself in an unkind and unfavored position. From you three, I ask that I either be unfavored (which I hope is not the case) or be provided a feeling of duplicitous concern. I sincerely hope that is the case. The same can be said about the rest of you too. You read me me for a lot of concern but rarely do you post. Whether that be for the reasons I have stated or even for the reasons that I don’t – hopefully this will be for the best. Tomorrow will be a new post and a new way of seeing the way ahead, Or I should say, a new way on an old feeling.