Looking Backwards

I’m really not one that looks back anymore. Life is what is ahead, not backwards. But these last six months are important. So very important. When I was in the hospital for three days, I wondered what was wrong with me. July is a long time to think back on. I was worried about what had happened to me. For two straight days, I was wheeled downstairs to a machine where my brain was measured. I’m not sure what the machine is called, but it was something that was done. My memories at that time were very jumbled. I couldn’t make out one day or another. Life was a jumble.

Over time, I was giving the opportunity to talk with therapists about the way I felt. How I managed to think things through. I was given a few memory tests to go through. I passed each one with flying colors. I knew I was headed to relief. During that time, my main point of memory has been television shows. Mondays and Tuesdays are basically flying without controls. Wednesday has been JAG episodes. Thursday is typically setup for Storage Wars, Friday is back to flying around with no control. Saturday and Sunday have been about football. When my wife comes home from her job, we spend the evening in front of the tube, or go out to eat. My life has been fairly simple.

Now I add this blog to my weekly routine. This will change the routine of my day fairly well. Every morning, I wonder about what I will write. What I will say. Its quite scary. Its quite scary to put this out there. Even if it is to a handful of people. I still try though.

When I moved to Arkansas, I had visions of being in the Pagan community. Even of finding a handful of Pagans that I could connect with. Now, I wonder if I will connect with anyone at all. My life was more robust in Texas. I had plenty of friends that I could connect with face-to-face. Here in Arkansas, I have just my wife. Its been quite…well, its hard to find an adjective that describes things as they sit. I have feelings of being alone.

Alone is such a terrible feeling. No one to spend time with. No one to just talk with. No one to laugh with. But I will survive. Of that, I am quite certain. I have watched my weight slink back to around 170 pounds. I do the best that I can to survive. Some days, its not the best. But I was at this in Hillsboro, Texas as well. Just barely alive. Always staying a few steps ahead of the storm. Now the storm is here. And survive it, I will do. I have to.

-Tommy

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